Skip to content
Dec 21 07

Year 5- If you’re happy and you know it….throw a chair

by captain

Two periods left in the day before the students go home for 2 weeks, and all hell has to break out.  One of our new teachers, had brought her daughter with her to school in the afternoon, and was JUST playing some trivia games with the kids, as fun activities for a Frdiay.  She was giving out $10 movie bucks for 1st, and $5 for second and $5 for third.  Ok first off, she’s a lot better person than I, because I wouldn’t even give them 5 cents.  I guess one of the kids took offense to being 2nd, and flipped out…demanded his other $5.

When his tantrum was not met with proper response time, he threw a chair at the window.  Needless to say this rattled the poor lady, who was not only fearful for herself, but for her 3 year old daughter.  The kid also got in her face and cursed her out.

Of course, by the time I heard about it the situation was “under control” and the culprit was fetal in the principal’s office screaming about his life of woe.

I missed it all. 

Stuff like that never happens to me.  Had one of my kids been here, and that kid pulled shinanigans like that on me.  I might have punched him.  It’d have been hard not to.  It was hard to not go find the kid for being such a dirt ball, and let him know how I felt about it. 

You don’t pull that crap on female teachers, that ain’t right.

My excitement for the day was centered around one of my favorite kids, who is out to ruin my soul.  He’s extremely mad at me because I write him referrals everytime he takes his cell phone out in my room.  He has about 5 hours of detention to serve as a result of my referrals.  Now he tries to be a jerk to me to gain the approval of his peers.

“Why do you like teaching?”

“Never really thought about it?”

“It’s for the power you get to have huh?  You like writing referrals don’t you?  You sure must not want kids to like you….that’s got to be your goal…if I were a teacher, I’d be cool.  You like not being cool?  You like it when kids don’t like you?”

“I just like writing your referrals.”

The kid is a know it all, who acts like Eddie Haskell when he’s trying to weasel out of getting in trouble.  It’s never worked on me, and it kills him.  I’ve developed a knack for finding him with his phone out….it always gets him in more trouble…and where as normally I’d warn someone at least once for having their phone out…now I write everyone a referral…and say, “well you can thank, ——- he doesn’t think it’s fair if I warn people…”

My real goal is to get him sent to the court school, where he has to wear a uniform, get escorted to the restroom, and be treated like the disrespectful person he is.

Today I made him move to the front row.  This is what spawned his tirade about me being a meanie.

“Why do I have to move?”

“Because.  You have an F….sitting in the back room isn’t working so hot for you.  Perhaps, if you were closer, you might pay attention more.”

“I don’t have my phone.”

“I don’t recall mentioning your phone…”

Well I’m out…too much to do.

Have a Merry Christmas

Dec 17 07

Year 5- On Death and Dying

by captain

I’m near death  today.  I feel HORRIBLE.  My sinuses are full of snot and pressure.  The right side of my head hurts.  My eyes hurt.  The pressure in my head is throwing off my equilibrium, and my ears are constantly plugged.  Everything sounds like a Charlie Brown special.

I wrote 3 referrals today for no other reason than I was sick. 

I actually started looking for reasons to write them, it was the one thing that made me feel better.

I still have to go to home school.

I have 2 students now.  One isn’t so motivated, and as I mentioned, her leg looks like a dinosaur chewed on it.   The peculiar thing is….she was well enough to go to Hawaii for a week.  Now, I’m not a Dr….but if I were to guess.  If you’re too injured to sit in a desk at school, you’re probably too injured to sit on a beach in Hawaii…and on an airplane in those cramped seats for 6 hours.

Unless, someone was using her to be able to board early, than I understand that.

I think in order to make a point, I’m going to threaten to drop her from the program….

The last time I went over there, I almost got a contact high from the couch…that place had been infused with mary jane smoke moments before I got there.  I’m telling you…one of these days I’ll be someplace when the drug task force busts in….it’s got to happen.

on that note, I’m heading home to die.

Dec 5 07

Year 5- Yummy

by captain

I had some fun today…

One of the new trends in our school is chewing tobacco.   The kids get their “fix” while maintaing their innocent demeanor, 75% of the teachers aren’t LOOKING for chew…so they get away with it.

I’ve played enoough sports to pick out a chewer pretty easily.  There’s 4 of them in one class who all “dip”  and today I got one of them.  The kid is already on the radar for misbehaving.  A referral for chewing in class would land him in the neighborhood of about 5 hours detention, and a possible suspension….all would NOT be good for him. 

He was chewing, and had a little bottle of powerade he was using as a spit cup.  Here’s how that played out.

[Captain]  Hey ________ you wouoldn’t be chewing in MY classroom would you?

[Gums] Uh….no…no…

[Captain] Good…because I’d have to give you a referral.

[Gums] …

[Captain] Hey _____ why don’t you do me a favor, that powerade seems to be distracting, and there’s only about 1/4 of it left…go ahead and drink that up….because I know that’s not a spit cup…because you said you weren’t chewing…

[Gums] Drink it?  you want me to drink it?

[Captain] yup, just chug it all down, and throw it away….

[Gums] *looking at his powerade bottle*

[Captain] Oh, so you were chewing…OK, I’ll write the referral.

The kid didn’t hesitate too much longer, and just chugged his luke warm tobacco spit….

The class erupted in gagging noises, and shock.  I informed the remaining chewers that even though ______ was clear of his his referral, the next time I suspected anyone of chewing I was going to write the referral, and not even tell them.

I heard later the kid wasn’t feeling good.

Nov 28 07

Year 5—- I knew it

by captain

I predicted a girl fight, and there was some serious altercations the week before break.  I assume the girls had finally had it with the whore calling, and decided to deal with it.  We have one group of 4 girls who is not fond of another 2 girls.  They’ve been calling each other whore for about 3 weeks now.  It all came to a head and there was about to be a 6 person fight in the hall.  Unfortunate but the VP broke it up.  All I got to hear were a few last “WHORE!” screams, and some office doors slamming as the group of two was taken into the office to avoid more conflict.

Well, it didn’t quite end there, and later on as the group of 2 were waiting in the office for their ride home, the group of 4 sauntered by the office window, to irritate the group of two….the group of two wasn’t having it, and they bust out the office and into the hallway for a good old fashioned round of whore calling.  One of our teachers got shoved out of the way, and mayhem was about to ensue when the parent showed up, and a few other teachers…they split everything BACK up, and that’s where the conflict ended.  Break happened…and now, all seems to be forgotten. 

It might be awhile before we have a good battle.

Session 3 started this week, and that means we’re almost half way through the year.  It’s going by quickly.  I’m still trying to get the photo program up and running but that requires a lot of paperwork, and it also requires people to respond to my faxes and phone calls. 

I’ll be glad when it’s all set….the organizing part is awful.

I kind of like my classes this session.  I’ve managed to pawn off some of the more uninterested students on our “other art class”  I can’t even call it “art”  it’s the power craft hour as far as I’m concerned.  They make oragami birds, and paper stain glass…stuff like that.  It’s not art…it’s 3rd grade crafts.

The teacher isn’t thrilled with me for sending her my less interested students. 

“you’re welcome.”  is what I got today.  Hey, look, if that kid isn’t going to work in my class…perhaps she might be more productive cutting paper with scissors, and gluing it to more paper.  Some kids like lower expectations.  Even at my most frustrated, I won’t drop my standards….the craft class, to be fair, is more a break for that teacher…to get her out of constantly doing English…and be able to relax.  I don’t blame her for just cutting and gluing, and making some paper birds.

It’s not art in my opinion, but it’s certainly better than essays.

I had to work on art projects with my sons 1st grade class over break.  YIKES.  I am NOT a elementary scool teacher in any aspect.  My “standards”  mean nothing there.  Those kids won’t listen, and when I put my smack down on them, they ignore me far better than any high school kid.  My son listens….that’s good.  His buddies could care less about making their projects look right, they only care about putting glue in big piles…then moaning about how they can’t get the parts off their hands to stick on the project.

I need stuff like that to reassure me that I’m where I need to be.

Nov 8 07

Year 5- I wouldn’t know nuthin’ about that…

by captain

There’s a girl at our school who is faking a pregnancy.  We’re not exactly sure WHY, but we just know she is.  One of our other teachers was told about it by the student about 5 weeks ago…and at this time, the student, according to her own tale was 20 weeks along.  That’s 5 months.   Now she would be about the 6-61/2 month portion of her term….and, well, she’d be showing, and…well, she is not.  You would never mistake her for a pregnant person.   Yet, she claims to still be with child.  

The other day she came in acting rather unpleasant towards me.

This is not a shock, she’s very unpleasant most of the time.

She was glaring at me…and I didn’t like.

[Captain] Don’t glare at me please.

[Pseudo Prego] I ain’t glarin’ atchoo.

[Captain] Really?  It appears to me you are, and I don’t like it…

[Pseudo Prego] I ain’t glarin’….I just don’t feel good….got mornin’ sickness…butchoo wouldn’t know nuthin’ bout that woudl you…

[Captain] go sit down. Stop glaring at me.

This same kid was in the office asking for feminine products 2 weeks ago…which, if I remember anything from 9th grade isn’t something that happens when you’re pregnant.  This kid is a liar of great magnitude.   I’m hoping we get rid of her before she ends up causing a huge scandal.

 We’ve almost reached the 3rd session, and the kids are starting to find their groove…meaning they’re starting to misbehave.  I have yet to really get any good stories yet, but I’ve heard the grumbling from them.  There’s some new kids here who aren’t exactly meshing well with the others…and I smell a girl fight coming sometime in the next month.


Oct 31 07

Year 5- Hallo-Don’t wanna be here.

by captain

If you’re a not a person employed in a school…there’s a misconception that teachers are always happy, fun, and ready to engage their students.  That’s true a lot of the time…but there are days where we flat out dislike students, and really wish they weren’t around.  

Today is one of those days for me.


Normally, as an educator, it’s our duty to make sure those days fall when we’re sick, or out of town…that way our negative attitudes don’t commingle with student attitudes, and cause trouble.


I was in a decent mood when I got to school this morning.  Not great, I was tired, but my mood was decent enough to be here. 


I’d check out now if I could.


The kids have been LAME today…mentally lame.  It’s Halloween’s fault…they all want to go smoke pot out of pumpkins or whatever they’ve got planned. That’s a problem, because it’s causing them to lose focus.


I had a kid today (who is FAILING my economics class) ask for more work for a different class. 


I told him, “When you’re able to pass ONE class, we can talk about doing work for a different class.”


He was mad.  Whatever. 


I tried to convince him, that; If you’re late or missing your job everyday would your employer feel like giving you more hours?


Everyone has their minds on Halloween parties…I just gave a test where 74/100 was the highest score.  I know, some of you are thinking I’m the greatest teacher a live, because, THAT’S AN AWESOME SCORE FOR THOSE KIDS. 


Trust me.  It was the worst batch of tests I’ve received this year as a whole.


I’m taking next Halloween off.



The second issue I have deals with some studies that have been published criticizing schools for drop-out rates, low-test scores, and a host of other issues.


If you’re going to blame on teachers for our horrid education system….equal and greater blame needs to be put on the parents…BUT since the parents are the ones complaining…and the media in charge of writing these studies don’t work in schools, these studies will always be flawed.


Parents aren’t too quick to turn the focus on themselves.  It’s far easier to blame the schools.  My son can read at a high level for his age, and equal credit goes to us, as parents because we work with him every day.  If you’re going to publish a report on how unsuccessful teachers are, make sure, for every student who has been “failed” by the education system, you also publish what type of parental support that kid has.  Trust me when I say there are far more horrible parents than horrible teachers.

Oct 25 07

Year 5 If you need snappy comebacks, I got your back.

by captain

One thing I’ve learned in my time at continuation school is to develop a nice array of witty comeback to let kids know how bad their work is.

Here’s a few, feel free to use them.


[Kid]  How does this look? 

[Captain] Lindsay Lohan thinks your project has issues.

[Kid] So not good?

[Captain] Let’s put it this way…I saw the enquirer in the hall looking for your project.


[Kid]  Does my project look like crap?

[Captain] No.

[Kid] Really?

[Captain]  It looks like craps next door neighbor.


[Kid]  Does this look OK?

[Captain] You need to move your paper…

[Kid] move it?

[Captain] Yeah, quick…move it off your desk.

[Kid] Ok…why?

[Captain] Because I’m going to throw up.

That’s just three I’ve used this week…you can rock these little beauties if you need the perfect saying to really hit home on how a childs lack of effort is getting to you.

We had a minor altercation on campus too.  Two girls almost fought.  They didn’t like each other too much prior to being in PE together, then, during PE one girl was defending the other too closely in basketball…and fisticuffs nearly erupted.  It wasn’t Knicks/Heat…but it was better than nothing.

I’m not sure what the girls were thinking, it’s defense.  You can’t rightly play it from across the gym.  There’s a degree of closeness involved.  Plus I don’t see how you can get upset over a skill neither of the particpants have in the first place.

One of my TAs photocopied my study guide sheets out of order…that made class interesting. 

[Captain] Page 2 of section 1, is on the back side of section 3, which is the 5th page in the packet….let’s find that.  Waiting…everyone there? No?  5th page….that’s after 4th page…Everyone there.  No…it’s on the back of Section 3 page 1…yeah…5th page….just count 5 pages in…see where it says Chapter 9 section 3….page two of section 1 is on the back of that…yeah. good.

Oct 15 07

Year 5- Runnin’ from the Po-leeece

by captain

I dislike Mondays.  The first thing I heard this morning was a girl at our school talking about how she’s not fond of the police.  Her rant went something like this.

“Sh** I don’t like the mofo’g’n polees….I run from to po-lees…das all you gots to do…is run from ’em jump fences, hide out in friends’ hous’sss I’m lil f*** da po-leees…and I straight run from’m they ain’t gonna ctach me…hell NO….I dunn’t twice so far….I don’t like the po-leeece…”

The funniest part is that this girl is white….and not only white, but white with red hair…and pushing about 3 bills….she’s not running from anything or anybody unless it’s leaving a trail of milk duds…

My home school student is not close to recovery.  That’s good and bad.  good because it keeps up my extra income, and bad because it can’t be fun to be laid up like that for a kid. 

They have a pitbull who doesn’t bite.  It does fart on you though.  It farted on me the other day, then took off outside.  Thanks dog. 

Sad as it seems is that I’m starting to detect patterns in some of the kids who are in this situation.  First off usually they’ve got some condition…in this case the girl was drilled by a jetski, and it broke her fibula in a couple spots…ouch.  That’s a legit injury.  The problem is that kids who are in the lower income levels end up on home school, and like it…it’s eaiser in that they have an hour of school a day, brought to their door. 

I’ve noticed that almost every lower income place I’ve gone to has a thing for afternoon talk shows…primarily Montel Williams.   It’s kind of scary.  I can recall at least 5 places I’ve been where Montel was an afternoon staple.   The funniest is watching people watch Montel.  They always say things like,

“ohhhh noo…  Sh**…..Oh man…”

Then sometimes I see tears, if it’s a sad episode.   IT’S MONTEL.  C’MON if you were actually out trying to be part of society, maybe you could do something…sitting at home while you pit- farts on you…and watching Montel is not a productive way to better your childs life.

Just a hunch. 

Oct 11 07

Year 5- OK, enough already….

by captain

Seriously, kids….let’s stop with the school shootings.  First off, you’re not really very good at it.  Posting your intentions on MySpace is borederline retarded.  You keep getting caught.  Secondly, it’s not really nice.  It’s not your teachers fault you’re an outcast, or failing Trig.  If you want to stop getting beat up, and made fun of start by taking off the black clothing and the dark make-up, and try opening up a shade or two in the house.

I know…winter is on the way, and you have that urge to drop deeper into depression, but I suggest you just forget that.  Getting a gun, and trying to learn how to use it is tougher than you think.  Just because you own at playing Halo 3 does not make you a crack shot.  Real guns are harder to shoot, maybe if you ever left your room and tried going outdoors and taking some practice, you’d know that.

If you’ve got troubles…find some help.  People already think you’re a fruit loop….planning to kill them only makes them certain.  I understand, its’ “your-space”  but plotting the destruction of educators is a waste of time.  If you REALLY have the desire to shoot someone, join the military, or move to ‘the Iraq’ and just join the crowd.

I for one am getting a little tired of reading how the police are busting you for trying to plot a shooting of ‘Columbine proportions’  Let’s try to find a little more productive way to spend our free time…maybe if you were doing your scholastic duties instead of writing smarmiegirl0034459 about how life is so unfair, and you’re going to off the school…people wouldn’t think you were such a moron, and they’d stop beating you up, and maybe…just maybe they might ask for help on their homeworf from you…and you’d make a friend.

Oct 10 07

Year 5- Just don’t draw pot pipes.

by captain

Kids are not always so bright.  I have an art student who is doing a design project, that consists of a lot of shapes, lines, freeform stuff.  He put a pot pipe shape in his drawing.

[Kid] Like it?

[Captain] looks good, except you can’t put pipes in your drawinhgs….

[Kid] Where? Why do you know what a pot pipe looks like

[Captain] Uh…I went to college, plus I’m not a moron…just take it out.


What is with all the shootings in schools, and threats of shootings. Yikes.  I’m actually a little bit afraid.  I work  with the kids who are actually unstable, and would shoot someone.  Some kids in this area MySpaced the fact they wanted to kill their teachers, and low and behold….it got back to the school.

These kids will eventually end up here, where all bad decision makers end up.  The teachers were pissed because the kids weren’t expelled.  Being as they never actually threatend a live person, they are only suspended….from what I understand.  I’d be a little pissed if someone threatend to kill me, then was let back in school.  I’d also harass the kid everyday.

“HEY, you gonna kill me today?” I’d be curious…

“Can I use the restroom?”

“You gonna come back with a 9mil and shoot me?”


“Go ahead.”

People who shoot people don’t put it on myspace, they keep diaries.  Those are the kids you need to worry about, the ones with diaries.   It just seems that gunfire is the new shiek way to handle depression and school angst.  I’m serious, it could happen here one day…I just don’t know when, and hope I’m on vacation.  While I like to think we have a safe school, and people get along here…we also have a bunch of kids with severe home issues…and well, they’re heads aren’t right…they don’t make good choices, and they like violence.