Oh Captain, My Captain

There’s a girl at our school who is faking a pregnancy.  We’re not exactly sure WHY, but we just know she is.  One of our other teachers was told about it by the student about 5 weeks ago…and at this time, the student, according to her own tale was 20 weeks along.  That’s 5 months.   Now she would be about the 6-61/2 month portion of her term….and, well, she’d be showing, and…well, she is not.  You would never mistake her for a pregnant person.   Yet, she claims to still be with child.  

The other day she came in acting rather unpleasant towards me.

This is not a shock, she’s very unpleasant most of the time.

She was glaring at me…and I didn’t like.

[Captain] Don’t glare at me please.

[Pseudo Prego] I ain’t glarin’ atchoo.

[Captain] Really?  It appears to me you are, and I don’t like it…

[Pseudo Prego] I ain’t glarin’….I just don’t feel good….got mornin’ sickness…butchoo wouldn’t know nuthin’ bout that woudl you…

[Captain] go sit down. Stop glaring at me.

This same kid was in the office asking for feminine products 2 weeks ago…which, if I remember anything from 9th grade isn’t something that happens when you’re pregnant.  This kid is a liar of great magnitude.   I’m hoping we get rid of her before she ends up causing a huge scandal.

 We’ve almost reached the 3rd session, and the kids are starting to find their groove…meaning they’re starting to misbehave.  I have yet to really get any good stories yet, but I’ve heard the grumbling from them.  There’s some new kids here who aren’t exactly meshing well with the others…and I smell a girl fight coming sometime in the next month.

If you’re a not a person employed in a school…there’s a misconception that teachers are always happy, fun, and ready to engage their students.  That’s true a lot of the time…but there are days where we flat out dislike students, and really wish they weren’t around.  

Today is one of those days for me.

Normally, as an educator, it’s our duty to make sure those days fall when we’re sick, or out of town…that way our negative attitudes don’t commingle with student attitudes, and cause trouble.

I was in a decent mood when I got to school this morning.  Not great, I was tired, but my mood was decent enough to be here. 

I’d check out now if I could.

The kids have been LAME today…mentally lame.  It’s Halloween’s fault…they all want to go smoke pot out of pumpkins or whatever they’ve got planned. That’s a problem, because it’s causing them to lose focus.

I had a kid today (who is FAILING my economics class) ask for more work for a different class. 

I told him, “When you’re able to pass ONE class, we can talk about doing work for a different class.”

He was mad.  Whatever. 

I tried to convince him, that; If you’re late or missing your job everyday would your employer feel like giving you more hours?

Everyone has their minds on Halloween parties…I just gave a test where 74/100 was the highest score.  I know, some of you are thinking I’m the greatest teacher a live, because, THAT’S AN AWESOME SCORE FOR THOSE KIDS. 

Trust me.  It was the worst batch of tests I’ve received this year as a whole.

I’m taking next Halloween off.

The second issue I have deals with some studies that have been published criticizing schools for drop-out rates, low-test scores, and a host of other issues.

If you’re going to blame on teachers for our horrid education system….equal and greater blame needs to be put on the parents…BUT since the parents are the ones complaining…and the media in charge of writing these studies don’t work in schools, these studies will always be flawed.

Parents aren’t too quick to turn the focus on themselves.  It’s far easier to blame the schools.  My son can read at a high level for his age, and equal credit goes to us, as parents because we work with him every day.  If you’re going to publish a report on how unsuccessful teachers are, make sure, for every student who has been “failed” by the education system, you also publish what type of parental support that kid has.  Trust me when I say there are far more horrible parents than horrible teachers.

One thing I’ve learned in my time at continuation school is to develop a nice array of witty comeback to let kids know how bad their work is.

Here’s a few, feel free to use them.

1. 

[Kid]  How does this look? 

[Captain] Lindsay Lohan thinks your project has issues.

[Kid] So not good?

[Captain] Let’s put it this way…I saw the enquirer in the hall looking for your project.

2.

[Kid]  Does my project look like crap?

[Captain] No.

[Kid] Really?

[Captain]  It looks like craps next door neighbor.

3.

[Kid]  Does this look OK?

[Captain] You need to move your paper…

[Kid] move it?

[Captain] Yeah, quick…move it off your desk.

[Kid] Ok…why?

[Captain] Because I’m going to throw up.

That’s just three I’ve used this week…you can rock these little beauties if you need the perfect saying to really hit home on how a childs lack of effort is getting to you.

We had a minor altercation on campus too.  Two girls almost fought.  They didn’t like each other too much prior to being in PE together, then, during PE one girl was defending the other too closely in basketball…and fisticuffs nearly erupted.  It wasn’t Knicks/Heat…but it was better than nothing.

I’m not sure what the girls were thinking, it’s defense.  You can’t rightly play it from across the gym.  There’s a degree of closeness involved.  Plus I don’t see how you can get upset over a skill neither of the particpants have in the first place.

One of my TAs photocopied my study guide sheets out of order…that made class interesting. 

[Captain] Page 2 of section 1, is on the back side of section 3, which is the 5th page in the packet….let’s find that.  Waiting…everyone there? No?  5th page….that’s after 4th page…Everyone there.  No…it’s on the back of Section 3 page 1…yeah…5th page….just count 5 pages in…see where it says Chapter 9 section 3….page two of section 1 is on the back of that…yeah. good.

I dislike Mondays.  The first thing I heard this morning was a girl at our school talking about how she’s not fond of the police.  Her rant went something like this.

“Sh** I don’t like the mofo’g'n polees….I run from to po-lees…das all you gots to do…is run from ‘em jump fences, hide out in friends’ hous’sss I’m lil f*** da po-leees…and I straight run from’m they ain’t gonna ctach me…hell NO….I dunn’t twice so far….I don’t like the po-leeece…”

The funniest part is that this girl is white….and not only white, but white with red hair…and pushing about 3 bills….she’s not running from anything or anybody unless it’s leaving a trail of milk duds…

My home school student is not close to recovery.  That’s good and bad.  good because it keeps up my extra income, and bad because it can’t be fun to be laid up like that for a kid. 

They have a pitbull who doesn’t bite.  It does fart on you though.  It farted on me the other day, then took off outside.  Thanks dog. 

Sad as it seems is that I’m starting to detect patterns in some of the kids who are in this situation.  First off usually they’ve got some condition…in this case the girl was drilled by a jetski, and it broke her fibula in a couple spots…ouch.  That’s a legit injury.  The problem is that kids who are in the lower income levels end up on home school, and like it…it’s eaiser in that they have an hour of school a day, brought to their door. 

I’ve noticed that almost every lower income place I’ve gone to has a thing for afternoon talk shows…primarily Montel Williams.   It’s kind of scary.  I can recall at least 5 places I’ve been where Montel was an afternoon staple.   The funniest is watching people watch Montel.  They always say things like,

“ohhhh noo…  Sh**…..Oh man…”

Then sometimes I see tears, if it’s a sad episode.   IT’S MONTEL.  C’MON if you were actually out trying to be part of society, maybe you could do something…sitting at home while you pit- farts on you…and watching Montel is not a productive way to better your childs life.

Just a hunch. 

Seriously, kids….let’s stop with the school shootings.  First off, you’re not really very good at it.  Posting your intentions on MySpace is borederline retarded.  You keep getting caught.  Secondly, it’s not really nice.  It’s not your teachers fault you’re an outcast, or failing Trig.  If you want to stop getting beat up, and made fun of start by taking off the black clothing and the dark make-up, and try opening up a shade or two in the house.

I know…winter is on the way, and you have that urge to drop deeper into depression, but I suggest you just forget that.  Getting a gun, and trying to learn how to use it is tougher than you think.  Just because you own at playing Halo 3 does not make you a crack shot.  Real guns are harder to shoot, maybe if you ever left your room and tried going outdoors and taking some practice, you’d know that.

If you’ve got troubles…find some help.  People already think you’re a fruit loop….planning to kill them only makes them certain.  I understand, its’ “your-space”  but plotting the destruction of educators is a waste of time.  If you REALLY have the desire to shoot someone, join the military, or move to ’the Iraq’ and just join the crowd.

I for one am getting a little tired of reading how the police are busting you for trying to plot a shooting of ‘Columbine proportions’  Let’s try to find a little more productive way to spend our free time…maybe if you were doing your scholastic duties instead of writing smarmiegirl0034459 about how life is so unfair, and you’re going to off the school…people wouldn’t think you were such a moron, and they’d stop beating you up, and maybe…just maybe they might ask for help on their homeworf from you…and you’d make a friend.

Kids are not always so bright.  I have an art student who is doing a design project, that consists of a lot of shapes, lines, freeform stuff.  He put a pot pipe shape in his drawing.

[Kid] Like it?

[Captain] looks good, except you can’t put pipes in your drawinhgs….

[Kid] Where? Why do you know what a pot pipe looks like

[Captain] Uh…I went to college, plus I’m not a moron…just take it out.

Kids….

What is with all the shootings in schools, and threats of shootings. Yikes.  I’m actually a little bit afraid.  I work  with the kids who are actually unstable, and would shoot someone.  Some kids in this area MySpaced the fact they wanted to kill their teachers, and low and behold….it got back to the school.

These kids will eventually end up here, where all bad decision makers end up.  The teachers were pissed because the kids weren’t expelled.  Being as they never actually threatend a live person, they are only suspended….from what I understand.  I’d be a little pissed if someone threatend to kill me, then was let back in school.  I’d also harass the kid everyday.

“HEY, you gonna kill me today?” I’d be curious…

“Can I use the restroom?”

“You gonna come back with a 9mil and shoot me?”

“No.”

“Go ahead.”

People who shoot people don’t put it on myspace, they keep diaries.  Those are the kids you need to worry about, the ones with diaries.   It just seems that gunfire is the new shiek way to handle depression and school angst.  I’m serious, it could happen here one day…I just don’t know when, and hope I’m on vacation.  While I like to think we have a safe school, and people get along here…we also have a bunch of kids with severe home issues…and well, they’re heads aren’t right…they don’t make good choices, and they like violence.

Today we start our 2nd session of six.  So far, so good.  I don’t know yet if there is potential for comedy with the new students.

Last week we finished finals, and grades.  I figured out how to use the new program that makes answer documents for your tests, and tracks progress and what not.  I really don’t care about which question the kids struggled with the most.  I don’t,  Call me mean, I just don’t care.

I can write a question intentionally that only the smart kids will get.  I can do the same with dumb question, everyone will answer correctly.  I can rig my own finals scores to say whatever I like.

Stuff like that is meaningless to me.  It only takes one kid who doesn’t care, and just answers random questions to throw out your whole class average.  It’s why standardized tests suck.  At least with a final you can make it as important as you want in their final grade….with typical standardized testing, theres’s no incentive to try.

“Your school will have it’s reputation tarnished…”

We’re doing pretty good for continuation schools, but nobody is confusing us with “the academic schools”  IF we score low on our standardized tests, nobody is going to say…”WELL NO!!!! I expected them to score way higher…” Our scores dropped this year…and the school board and superintendant were all a little upset…

What happend was our scores sucked hard two years ago, so last year we had massive jumps forward…and this year we evened out a little bit….no shock for us, but everyone else flipped.  We had underachieving kids overachieving, and now they’ve dropped…but are still a little better than is to be expected.  A high five would be nice.

I wonder how the art teacher at the other school is doing.  Has he realized his days are numbered yet?  If the opportunity presented itself, I’d probably tell him.

I’ll give an update this week if any drama erupts in the new classes.

I planned on getting an apple fritter today, and managed to convince myself that I was actually going to have the time to stop an purchase it….I tried two places.  Both had doughnuts. Neither had apple fritters. Ruined my morning…

Tomorrow…I’m all over a fritter. 

Today seems like a Monday, and I don’t like that.  Granted, we have minimum days all week…which means getting done earlier, which means more time to sit and do nothing, which I like. 

I also heard today 2 of my lesser favorite kids have been asked not to come back to school.  The kid who was really angry, and gruff with me….he’s not coming back.  That’s nice, but also potentially scary.  It’s my fault he’s not coming back.  I wrote him a referral for ‘going to the restroom’ and not returning in a decent time frame….and it broke his discipline contract, so he’s gone…..now he might come for me.   The other kid was involved in the whole guns and brew fiasco…and he’d been on a short leash anyway…so that was ammo enough for the admin. to fire him out of here.

Either way, my days are brighter….

[Girl] What is this? 

[Captain] Your grade….

[Girl] It’s an R….

[Captain] No, it’s an R+

[Girl] What does that mean?

[Captain] It means you do R quality work.

[Girl] What am I going to tell me mom? she’s going to ask about this….

[Captain] Tell her you got an R, plus…

[Girl] What IS that?

[Captain] it’s after Q….you’re beyond Q work.

[Girl] (now becoming distraught.) Ho-wh-c-I don’t want an R, I’ll get grounded…my mom’s not going to understand.

[Captain] Your mom is going to ground you for an R?

[Girl] Well…s-sh-what IS this?

[Captain] your grade.  your grade is an R+

We have to fill in these progress reports on kids every week, quite honestly, it’s boring…it’s always the kids who are struggling who need one filled out.  I just start writing random things in hopes that they actually read it….or that their parents will call me, and thus get the REAL story.  I like to think of it as a test, to see how much attention their parents pay to what they bring home.  If my son got an ‘R’ I’d call…

Today I gave a kid a Q-

Friday was interesting.  We had multiple guns on campus.  They were hunting rifles that some kid left in his car…kind of a dumb move, but in my opinions, it could happen.  The campus security guard saw them….and a minor freak out insued.  No lock down or anything, but there were some conferences in the office.  The funniest part was they found the guns because the kid also brought an ice-chest full of a 30-pack.  He was dishing them out at break to various kids. 

When the security guard wen to see why the kids were gathered around the cooler at break, she discovered the 30 pack…and also the guns.  Oops.   I felt kind of sorry for our principal on Friday…he had his hands full all day with that incident.  I was going to bring him 20 referrals too…just to mess with him, but he left right when the day ended. 

I guess another school fairly close to here was in lockdown because a student held a class hostage, only allowing those who were afraid to leave the room.

That’s funny…some people actually stayed. 

Maybe it’s because I don’t feel well today, but DAMN.  I could use another day off.  The kids were horrible today.  I’m not sure if it has anything to do with the substitute.  The kids here don’t respond well to change, so when some new person is here for a day or two…it throws off their routine…and then they punish me for it when I get back.  I had to give a quiz today to shut one class up.  They ALL failed.  Which I knew they would.  Tomorrow, just to anger them, I’m putting them in a seating chart.

Our principal came by today to check us on a task he asked us to complete a few weeks ago.  It has to do with assessment, and having a standards chart for each student…to show the progress they’ve made.  I had mine….organized by class, and each student has a chart…which I will fill in at the end of the session.  I know at least 3 teachers are refusing to do it, because, they’re old and don’t feel like it.  I’ll be curious to see how the battle plays out today in the staff meeting.  No doubt the principal is bringing this to the table, which is why he came around to check today….one week after he said he’d check.

This is why I make lists of what I need to do.  I’d forget otherwise.

The district has blocked any site relating to ‘discussion’ ‘forum’,  they did it at some point after lunch…sites I coudl get into prior to lunch are not available now.  Awesome.   How dare people want to discuss something, or read about something.

I was researching camera flash equipment, and discovered I wasn’t able to….because it’s a forum. YAY!  I happen to need that information for my photography class.  I need to write a request to unblock it.   Whatever.  I probably won’t, I j ust don’t feel like talking to our tech dept.  There’s a couple nice guys there, and I feel sorry for them.  They work in hell.  They are there to provide us with a service, when we ask them to.  I don’t recall anyone asking for them to shut down forums or discussions…..

I think they set up a blanket festure that filters out anything with the words forum in it, or discussion…or ‘wordpress’ 

It’s ridiculous….They did it to keep the kids off ‘myspace’ and screw up the rest of us. 

It would make more sense for each site to tell THEM what we need filtered, then they could be more specific, and stop wasting time.