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Year 2 Day 76-Cryptozoology at its finest

by admin on December 14th, 2004

SO I know I haven’t posted in a while. It’s just that nothing terribly exciting has happened. I was going to make a brief post yesterday where I mentioned that we’ve got a new stinky kid on campus. He’s actually been here for awhile, but he’s taken his stinktitude to a whole different level. It makes my eyes burn, and gives me a headache. I’m not making this up. I get disorientated when he comes and asks me for help. It’s like stinky Kryptonite or something. He’s close to graduating though, so hopefully, he’ll make it, and relieve us from the smell. Whenever he leaves one of the kids goes,

iOne down, one to go.i

I guess maybe there might be another stinky kid in class too, that I’m not able to smell due to my proximity to this stinker.

My principal gave out his annual Christmas present yesterday. The past 4 years we’ve received these boxes of chocolate truffles, which everyone agreed were WAY too rich to actually eat. SO they sat on people’s shelves, or were taken to Christmas parties by the recipients, so that others would eat them. I was honestly dreading my 5th box of them. Luckily, I think he too realized the truffles were not the best gift. This year we got personalized pencils. They say our name, school, and subject we teach. I’m glad mine say eArt’ on them, I’d have been a little upset if they said government, or economics on them.

Tonight is the annual Christmas party for our school staff. Tonight is the 5th annual white elephant gift exchange as well. Tonight I will unveil what can only be described as ‘easily the most horrific present I’ve ever put in the exchange.’ Let me give the previous history, and gifts, then the explanation for this year’s entry.

We have a staff who tend to boast a little about the ihumori their gifts provide. They think by putting some Rogaine and Viagra in a little box, and calling it a emid-life crisis kit’, they’re breaking new comedic ground. I feel it’s only necessary to put them in check. My sense of humor tends to be a bit eout there’ at times too, so as you can imagine, my gifts are odd to say the least.

Year 1- I was recovering from brain surgery, so I wasn’t able to participate in the exchange.

Year 2- Didn’t go for some reason.

Year 3- I borrowed and idea from my friend Eduardo, and took a store bought child’s baby doll, removed him from the package, added facial hair, and a hairy stomach, then put him back in the box. Somebody received a ibeautiful babyi who looked more like Dom Deluise, than any child’s toy. It was easily the best gift of the year, and was not only passed around the table to enjoy, but passed around the entire restaurant. The baby itself as legend has it, has been circulated through several other white elephant gift exchanges.

Year 4- I went to a thrift store, and bought a painting by some random artist. This happened to be of a small boy holding a dog. I added my own parts to the painting. I made the boy bearded, and the dog had an eye patch. The boy was wearing an Adidas jump suit, instead of the traditional clothes he had been. I put a large voice bubble coming out of the boy’s mouth saying eDamn girl, you know you want my sting.i This was a line I had borrowed from a writer in eThe Onion.i The look on the bearded boys face made the quotation all the more priceless. My present was labeled esuspect’ right from the get go–and was the last one taken. The man, who got it, was a little less than enthused. His facial expression was priceless; I must have laughed for 20 minutes straight. Needless to say, nobody else understood the quote, or the painting, and they sat there in stunned nervous laughter. The painitng now hangs proudly in my friend’s game room.

I decided to one up myself this year.

But how?

It took me about 6 months and some inspiration from the movie ‘Anchor Man’.

If you haven’t seen it, I won’t ruin it for you, but I’ll just say this. There is a scene in the movie where a character is wearing less than pleasant smelling cologne. The odor triggers mass hysteria in the office building, and a female co-worker exclaims, iIt smells like Bigfoot’s d**k!i

To me that was the funniest line in cinematic history. Pure genius, worthy of an Oscar for best screenwriting. At the time, I didn’t think anything else of it. Time went by, and I thought about the quote, and it got me wondering.

With all the alleged Bigfoot sightings, has anyone ever seen Bigfoot’s wiener? You here people asking iWell do you know what gender the creature was?i

The witnesses always seem to say, iIt appeared to be a female, or a youngster.i You never here the following exchange.

iWell do you know what gender the creature was?i

iYEAH it was a MALE!i

iHow could you tell?i

iEASY, it had this HUGE wiener.i

It’s one of the ‘parts’ of Bigfoot lore that never gets discussed. Thinking about it, I could see why. I bet it’s one of the most horrific sights imaginable. Somehow this triggered that magic light bulb in my head.

I couldn’t obviously acquire a real one, nor would I want too. I couldn’t make one and just put it in a box by itself. It wouldn’t seem important enough, and it’d be a little weirder (if that’s possible). I wondered well, what would someone DO with that part of a Bigfoot’s anatomy? I figured it’ would probably be the only one in existence, so they’d probably have it mounted or something, to bring attention to it. So that’s what I decided to doomake a taxidermy style Bigfoot penis.

I bought a nice little piece of wood, stained it a deep color, to make it look classy. I bought some pieces of Styrofoam, brown pantyhose, piece of wire, stuffing, and a brown pirate beard.

With a little sculpting, creativity, and rubber cement I managed to create a very large Bigfoot penis. I must say, it’s very funny.

Prior to making it I discussed the idea with my wife–she was horrified, even before seeing it. AFTER she saw it, she’s considering NOT coming to my party tonight. I also ran the idea by my mom, because she had the wood stain, and I needed to go over there to use it.

She was very against the idea and threw out every worse case scenario she could imagine. Her husband, who is a bit of an outdoors men, ate his dinner and chuckled the entire time.
My mom finally ended with her comment, iI don’t know, that’s just weird.i

Yes, yes it is.

The more people I’ve discussed the idea with, the less encouraged I’ve been with my gift. I guess I can see why, which is part of the reason I made the gift in the first placeoPenis’ are just offensive, no matter what the context. They throw people off guard, cause panic, and just generally scare people. Think about it. A naked woman walks into a room, not much would happen… people would probably still sit there, and go about business, obviously the male’s would stare, and the women might mumble something under their breath, but the event wouldn’t elicit the same response as would a naked MAN walking into a room.

If a naked man walked in a room, the place would fly into a panic. I can’t explain it.

So I wasn’t surprised terribly by people’s lack of enthusiasm for my gift. Knowing the panic a human penis would cause, could you imagine the panic a mounted Bigfoot penis would cause? This has to be high on the comedy scale.

I however after much thought, decided to not just wrap it and give it without doing the following.

1) Putting a disclaimer on the outside, not saying what the gift is, but warning them, they may be offended.
2) Outlining a story to go with the gift, to make it a little less offensive, and more humorous.
3) Putting Bigfoot Penis on the plaque, instead of Bigfoot’s D**k.

I think the later is so much funnier, but could be more offensive to someone. I’m also going to warn the people I know might go into cardiac arrest when they open it, NOT to pick my gift.

That should deaden the impact a little I imagine, but I’m sure, I’ll still get to laugh for about 21 minutes this year at someone else’s expense.

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2 Comments
  1. You’ll have plenty of time to laugh about this once you’re unemployed.

  2. Paco permalink

    Don’t you think they will know who made it based on your past gifts? Plus, people will know that you actually spent time to MAKE this “gift”. Hmmm… I know I wouldn’t give that out at my gift exchange.

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