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Daily School Journal Day-172

by admin on May 27th, 2004

The penny war ended, sadly. I lost. I kind of stopped trying. It was just more fun to steal and torture the other teachers jars. I burnt one in the BBQ, and sent pictures to the teacher. I put one in black robes, like an Iraqi prisoner, and sent her pictures. It was fun. I had a substitute one day who let the other classes search my room. They found my jar, and stole it. I eventually found the closet it was in, and in a MacGyver like move I picked the lock with two paperclips and saved it. I’ve never picked a lock before in my life. I was honestly surprised I actually did it.

It’s been over 6 months since I’ve had a working stapler in my room. Today I wrote the good folks at Swingline a letter. Here is the way things are going so far.

Dear Swingline,

I am a teacher in a continuation high school in ———-. I teach a variety of subjects to kids of lower abilities.

When it comes to staplers I know no other brand than Swingline. I have used Swingline staplers as long as I can remember. I think the main reason is, I have no other choice. I don’t even know who else makes staplers. I have a couple concerns with your staplers.

1) I have lost 4 staplers over the course of the year. It seems my delinquent kids are big fans of taking the spring out of the stapler. This piece is of course pivotal in making the device function properly. If you’re lucky enough to recover the spring, it’s a pain in the ass to try and re-attach. My desk was littered with the carcasses of old staplers. Is there any use for old staplers? I find they make decent doorstops, and pretty spiffy paper weights. There is a problem though. I mentioned I teach kids with lower abilities, so they assume the stapler weights actually work, and use a lot of their already diminished mental energy in trying to make them work… which of course they will not. This requires me to keep the bodies of the staplers tucked away in my desk, which takes up space. I’d throw them away, but I doubt they break down very quickly. I toyed with the idea of keeping one under my bed at home, to use as a weapon against intruders, but I’m not sure how our school feels about us removing school property, even if it is broken school property.
2) I got a new stapler about 3 weeks ago. I tried to use it to staple some student work to the wall for a eback to school night’ presentation. The stapler really lacked the eummpf’ needed to make the pieces attach to the wall. It was very frustrating to just complete attaching a piece, then have it come crashing off the wall. The stapler also got jammed quite a bit, and I hurt my finger trying to pry out mashed up staples. It took me over 45 minutes to get things attached. We’re talking pieces of paper here. My finger was sore, and right when I finished things started to fall down. Then by that time the stapler was too jammed to work properly. I’ll admit I was a little angry. I hurled the ebony Swingline at the floor as hard as I could, and called it some pretty terrible names. It broke a lot more after that, and it really was beyond repair. I still have no stapler in my room for my students to use. I have to make them go use one in another room, which is a total disruption.

I know what you’re saying. Why don’t you just go buy a more industrial strength stapler? I teach public school, so I really don’t have the extra money in my check. Continuation schools are also near the bottom of list when it comes to district funding. We’re supposed to list a year ahead of time what supplies we’ll need for the following year. I couldn’t have known I’d go through 4 staplers in a year… no way.

Perhaps you could make a stapler where the spring isn’t accessible to punk kids. They’re not the sharpest tools in the shed, so it wouldn’t have to be that complex. Picture that monkey in the zoo staring at the stick, that’s what I’m dealing with. When they can’t figure it out, they beat on it.

I need some stapler help. If you decide me worthy of some sort of free stapler for my troubles, please send it to my house. I’d bring it to school, but I could also keep it at home under my bed too. If you have a Swingline t-shirt, I’d wear one to school for promotional purposes too.

Sincerely,

Captain

Here is the first response I got

Dear Captain,

I would need to know the model of the staplers to be able to help you. Most of the staplers have a warranty so I would need to know what stapler you have to advise you. If its under warranty I’ll send you a new one free of charge.

Here is the response I sent back

I’m not sure of the model #. It is….it’s black. That’s about all I can say. I opened it, and turned it over several times, and can’t find any #’s on it…it says 747 on it…is that the model? I have 3 broken black 747’s and 1 grey one I guess. They all broke. I would gladly take a higher quality stapler instead of the 4 broken ones.

I’m not sure what else to say.

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